As a brown girl you dream about growing up and marrying a nice brown guy, from your religious background, who absolutely MUST and I mean MUST be a doctor……and who MUST and absolutely MUST be rich. Then you grow up and……..you start to date to find the Rich, Brown, Doctor…..and this is what happens…..
Episode 1: Speed Dating is Fucked Up
My baby cousin called me one day and said dear sister we need to get out there more and we need to date more. It is all about “Volume Dating”…..all a theory of numbers. Baby cousin says lets start the speed dating by going to an open speed date so a speed date with all guys…not just brown guys…really do we have to??? But got to win the numbers game so we go.
So we pay our $50 dollars (holy shit man love is fucking expensive) and we go speed dating. The process involves going to a speed dating event at a local bar organized by a local match making group. There are 7 guys and 7 girls. So we get 7 dates with the guys……
Why do all 7 guys look so strange and all 7 girls look so normal…..oh well my baby cousin says….dear sister keep an open mind.
Date 1: Guy who dressed up a PSY. Guy sits down. Asks me my name and then tells me how he dressed up as freaking PSY on Halloween and did the Gagnam style so well that all the kids loved it. When he senses my lack of any fucking enthusiasm he takes out his iPhone and shows me the video….What the fuck……next date please
Date 2: Date with fattest guy on Earth: Guys sits down and is morbidly obese…..before he asks my name asks if he can have a taste of my pizza….SERIOUSLY!!!! Eats through the whole date and sweats like a pig all over me. I mean SERIOUSLY……..I am pissed…not because the date sucked….the guy ate all my fucking pizza…..I freaking love Pizza…..
Date 3: Date with seriously bad breath guy…..I don’t think I need to say more
Date 4: Date with guy who makes notes about girls he met on all dates before me……or at least I think he is making notes about girls before me…maybe notes are about me.
Date 5: Weird tatoo guy: Sits down and has lots of tatoos. Yummmm…I mean as a brown girl I could never take him home…but seriously would love to lick that arm with the tatoos…..anyway…seems normal and then actually asks me if I met anyone I like so far. I say no…he says that is too bad as I am so pretty….his exact words…you are so pretty for an Indian girl……What the fuck was that…Pretty for an Indian girl…..next date pls.
Date 6: Normal Guy. Just normal not anything special…..Oh my fucking god…..what a catch….seriously is that all you have to be these days to be a catch…a normal guy
Date 7: Don’t remember. Wasted drunk by this point.
So my baby cousin and I meet no one….but we went to a bar afterwards with some girls we met at the speed date and all of us drank too much vodka while comparing date stories. Turns out speed dating is a great way to make more female friends. All girls really dug boring normal guy.
Moral of the Story: Fuck speed dating.