I go to a family reunion with my parents…oh how I dread these events. My aunts ask me the same pathetic question “Oh dear child…are you married yet???”. Can someone please tell these women to stop asking me this lame question. I am not wearing a ring, I am not glowing from an amazing post sex glow and I am definitely not wearing an amazing fiancé on my arm. So why oh why do they always ask me this.
I get home and have the same crisis I have when I come home from all these parties and hit the wine. Oh how booze makes everything so much better. As I drink through half the bottle and feel so much better I check my online dating account. OMG!!! I can’t believe it a brown doctor has contacted me. Could this be it??? Can I tell these old ladies to shut the fuck up and show off my doctor at the next family gathering?
So the doctor and I exchange emails back and forth. He seems normal. A bit short. But hey a girl cannot have it all. We decide to meet over coffee. I actually stop drinking and eating fries and donuts for the week to look as skinny as I can for this date.
The day arrives, I wear my sexy black top with a nice tight pair of jeans. Ok so the tight jeans don’t fit anymore so I wear my loose skirt that hides all the fat. When I say the tight jeans don’t fit, I mean when I finally get them past my knees and fat ass all the fat from my body hangs out over the sides of the jeans. Well at least the skirt hides all this.
I wait for him at the coffee shop in downtown Toronto. He shows up. OMFG he looks normal. I mean seriously normal. Not normal in the sense that he is actually a freak and you just pretend he is normal because you really want him to be. he is actually normal.
He sits down and we talk. OMFG. He is normal. He tells me where he went to school, I tell him stuff. But all I can think is he is normal but a bit boring. But that is ok. A girl can’t have everything. He is brown and a doctor…and most importantly he is fucking normal. Interesting does not have to be part of the list.
The coffee goes well so we decide to go for dinner. And then it begins. I mean then one of the top 10 weirdest nights of my life begins…..
We walk by an art gallery on the way to dinner. He stops and tells me he wants to analyze the art. There is a lame painting with a ballerina in a pink tutu. He starts to analyze that crap and then tells me he loves ballet and studies ballet and then actually does a twirl for me. WTF was that!! I mean I respect his love of ballet but do straight guys learn ballet and then twirl for chicks on dates. Oh well he is a brown doctor….he probably has a lot of money…forget the twirl..just forget it.
We get to dinner and sit down. So I order a glass of red to try and forget that twirl. Have you ever seen a dude twirl on a date. If you had you would need wine. Maybe something stronger. He then starts to tell me about his love of politics as I drink the wine. And then he talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and seriously talks. And when I say talk….I mean he tells me all this useless boring crap about every single politician on every single political party in this country. Seriously wow!!! I am on my fourth glass of wine and then I finally stop the fucking talking and say we need to order dinner. After we order I feel his leg rubbing mine. Is he playing footsie with me under the table??? After the twirl and the mind numbing conversation does he think I will respond to this. WTF!!!
Somewhere along the way I get so drunk his mind numbing conversation becomes mildly interesting..oh who am I kidding the guy was so fucking boring. Finally the bill arrives. The total for the bill is $40. He picks up the bill and out of courtesy I offer to pay. And then it happens….he agrees to let me pay. So he makes me pay by $20 for the bill. Holy shit. So the guy probably makes about a million dollars a year and makes me pay $20. Not only is he lame, boring and ego centric, he is a cheap bastard. WTF.
We finally leave and he insists on walking me home. OMG! I can’t get rid of this ballerina. So he walks me home and as we get there he leans in for a kiss. Does he think he will get a kiss after he made me fork up $20 for dinner. I tell him no way (well I say it nicely). Then he asks if he can come up to my condo for a nightcap. Seriously. This is not happening. I politely decline. And I use politely loosely. I use a bit of a get the fuck away from me you fucking freak message.
I get home and hit the booze. I mean if a brown doctor from my religious background is so lame what am I supposed to do. This is the ideal guy on paper. The guy I always wanted to marry and show to my aunties as a mark of my success. What do I do now. Well for now I drink.
I get up in a drunken haze the next day and check my phone. OMFG!!! He has sent me a text message and is says “Oh my darling that was one of the most romantic nights of my life. When can I see you again”. Horrified I block his number. I guess to this guy twirling for chicks, then boring them with useless crap conversation, sexually harassing them and them making them pay for the cheap dinner qualifies as high romance for this ass. Wow!!!
Moral of the Story: If a guy twirls for you on a date…run girls run…run like the fucking wind…don’t stop. Don’t look back…just keep running.