Episode 3: Chivalry is fucking dead…or is it????

So have you ever had any of the following crap experiences that suck the life out of you and make you lose faith in the male gender:

1. Walked through a grocery store struggling with tons and tons of heavy bags and noticed that no guys ever even offer to help you.  Only the old ladies offer to help
2. Struggled to get a luggage up a bunch of stairs at the train station and the only person that offers to help is a fellow female while all the dudes just stare and watch like total fucking idiots
3. Been bumped by guys who will not move over for you and your girlfriends as you walk down the street or through a store. They actually push you as they walk so that they have more space to walk through
4. And finally of course, been in a coffee shop with scolding hot coffees in both your hands and finally got the door of the coffee shop open just enough to squeeze through and then suddenly a douche dude takes that opening walks right through the door into the coffee shop while you watch in total horror as the door closes right on your face while you are still in the coffee shop

So I guess the question is this, ”What the fuck is going on with dudes out there??? Is Chivalry dead”?? Are we as women destined to have a life of dealing with doing everything ourselves?? 

Well I have been struggling with this for the past few years and then it happened.  Hope happened.  Hope in the name of the “Dr. Sanjay Gupta”.  I never actually watched this guy on TV in the past.  He seemed like just another dude on CNN talking about stuff.  I saw him as I flipped channels in between commercial breaks of my favourite latest teen trash vampire show.

Then one evening as I was sitting around eating the delicious new treat offered by Starbucks, the delicious Cinnamon Chocolate cake (and girls you have to try it) there was Dr. Sanjay Gupta on TV again talking about some new healthy thing people should be doing (which of course I will never do). But this time I actually stopped flipping and watched the dude.  What I heard was shocking and amazing.

This dude had such serious concern in his voice for women’s health, women’s issues and the fact that women are now getting strokes at like 29 and 30 because of all the added pressures that women deal with like bearing children.  He actually suggested that women restrain from sexual activity to prevent sex. OMFG did this guy…a guy…..suggest this on TV while his wife watched.  So there is actually a guy out there who would put a chicks health over his own dick!!!! 

So as I stuffed my face with this amazing chocolate cake I just fell deeply in love with this Dr. Sanjay Gupta person.  I mean this is the kind of guy who would go beyond helping you carry groceries to your car he would actually make you dinner after a long day of work.  He would actually listen to your problems rather than bore you with all his crap ass issues and then fall asleep as soon as you started to talk about your stuff.  Well let’s face it Dr. Sanjay Gupta makes way too much money to ever have to make dinner.  He probably has some famous chef like Wolfgang Puck making him dinner every night…but you get the point.   

So maybe just maybe if there is one Dr. Sanjay Gupta out there…maybe there are more like him and maybe there is that nice, kind, caring, brown, rich doctor who would actually say to us girls at the end of the long hard day at work….”Sweetie lets just sleep tonight…we can have sex another time when you are less tired”.  Maybe chivalry is not dead after all.  Thank you Dr. Sanjay Gupta.  Thanks for keeping Chivalry alive.

Tune in next Wednesday for the next edition of Brown Girl Dating Stories.  Don’t forget to make comments. We love your thoughts and ideas.

Episode 2: The Date with the Brown Doctor (OMG could this be it!!!)

I go to a family reunion with my parents…oh how I dread these events. My aunts ask me the same pathetic question “Oh dear child…are you married yet???”. Can someone please tell these women to stop asking me this lame question. I am not wearing a ring, I am not glowing from an amazing post sex glow and I am definitely not wearing an amazing fiancé on my arm.  So why oh why do they always ask me this.

I get home and have the same crisis I have when I come home from all these parties and hit the wine. Oh how booze makes everything so much better. As I drink through half the bottle and feel so much better I check my online dating account. OMG!!! I can’t believe it a brown doctor has contacted me. Could this be it??? Can I tell these old ladies to shut the fuck up and show off my doctor at the next family gathering?

So the doctor and I exchange emails back and forth. He seems normal. A bit short. But hey a girl cannot have it all. We decide to meet over coffee.  I actually stop drinking and eating fries and donuts for the week to look as skinny as I can for this date.

The day arrives, I wear my sexy black top with a nice tight pair of jeans. Ok so the tight jeans don’t fit anymore so I wear my loose skirt that hides all the fat. When I say the tight jeans don’t fit, I mean when I finally get them past my knees and fat ass all the fat from my body hangs out over the sides of the jeans. Well at least the skirt hides all this.

I wait for him at the coffee shop in downtown Toronto. He shows up. OMFG he looks normal. I mean seriously normal. Not normal in the sense that he is actually a freak and you just pretend he is normal because you really want him to be.  he is actually normal.

He sits down and we talk. OMFG.  He is normal. He tells me where he went to school, I tell him stuff. But all I can think is he is normal but a bit boring. But that is ok.  A girl can’t have everything. He is brown and a doctor…and most importantly he is fucking normal. Interesting does not have to be part of the list.

The coffee goes well so we decide to go for dinner. And then it begins.  I mean then one of the top 10 weirdest nights of my life begins…..

We walk by an art gallery on the way to dinner. He stops and tells me he wants to analyze the art. There is a lame painting with a ballerina in a pink tutu.  He starts to analyze that crap and then tells me he loves ballet and studies ballet and then actually does a twirl for me. WTF was that!! I mean I respect his love of ballet but do straight guys learn ballet and then twirl for chicks on dates. Oh well he is a brown doctor….he probably has a lot of money…forget the twirl..just forget it.

We get to dinner and sit down. So I order a glass of red to try and forget that twirl. Have you ever seen a dude twirl on a date.  If you had you would need wine.  Maybe something stronger. He then starts to tell me about his love of politics as I drink the wine. And then he talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and seriously talks. And when I say talk….I mean he tells me all this useless boring crap about every single politician on every single political party in this country. Seriously wow!!! I am on my fourth glass of wine and then I finally stop the fucking talking and say we need to order dinner. After we order I feel his leg rubbing mine.  Is he playing footsie with me under the table??? After the twirl and the mind numbing conversation does he think I will respond to this. WTF!!!

Somewhere along the way I get so drunk his mind numbing conversation becomes mildly interesting..oh who am I kidding the guy was so fucking boring. Finally the bill arrives. The total for the bill is $40. He picks up the bill and out of courtesy I offer to pay. And then it happens….he agrees to let me pay. So he makes me pay by $20 for the bill. Holy shit. So the guy probably makes about a million dollars a year and makes me pay $20. Not only is he lame, boring and ego centric, he is a cheap bastard. WTF.

We finally leave and he insists on walking me home. OMG! I can’t get rid of this ballerina. So he walks me home and as we get there he leans in for a kiss. Does he think he will get a kiss after he made me fork up $20 for dinner. I tell him no way (well I say it nicely). Then he asks if he can come up to my condo for a nightcap. Seriously. This is not happening. I politely decline. And I use politely loosely. I use a bit of a get the fuck away from me you fucking freak message. 

I get home and hit the booze. I mean if a brown doctor from my religious background is so lame what am I supposed to do. This is the ideal guy on paper. The guy I always wanted to marry and show to my aunties as a mark of my success. What do I do now. Well for now I drink.

I get up in a drunken haze the next day and check my phone. OMFG!!! He has sent me a text message and is says “Oh my darling that was one of the most romantic nights of my life. When can I see you again”. Horrified I block his number. I guess to this guy twirling for chicks, then boring them with useless crap conversation, sexually harassing them and them making them pay for the cheap dinner qualifies as high romance for this ass. Wow!!!

Moral of the Story: If a guy twirls for you on a date…run girls run…run like the fucking wind…don’t stop. Don’t look back…just keep running.

Episode 1: Speed Dating (What the fuck was that!!!!)

As a brown girl you dream about growing up and marrying a nice brown guy, from your religious background, who absolutely MUST and I mean MUST be a doctor……and who MUST and absolutely MUST be rich.  Then you grow up and……..you start to date to find the Rich, Brown, Doctor…..and this is what happens…..

Episode 1: Speed Dating is Fucked Up

My baby cousin called me one day and said dear sister we need to get out there more and we need to date more.  It is all about “Volume Dating”…..all a theory of numbers.  Baby cousin says lets start the speed dating by going to an open speed date so a speed date with all guys…not just brown guys…really do we have to??? But got to win the numbers game so we go.

So we pay our $50 dollars (holy shit man love is fucking expensive) and we go speed dating.  The process involves going to a speed dating event at a local bar organized by a local match making group.  There are 7 guys and 7 girls. So we get 7 dates with the guys……

Why do all 7 guys look so strange and all 7 girls look so normal…..oh well my baby cousin says….dear sister keep an open mind.  

Date 1: Guy who dressed up a PSY. Guy sits down. Asks me my name and then tells me how he dressed up as freaking PSY on Halloween and did the Gagnam style so well that all the kids loved it. When he senses my lack of any fucking enthusiasm he takes out his iPhone and shows me the video….What the fuck……next date please

Date 2: Date with fattest guy on Earth: Guys sits down and is morbidly obese…..before he asks my name asks if he can have a taste of my pizza….SERIOUSLY!!!! Eats through the whole date and sweats like a pig all over me.  I mean SERIOUSLY……..I am pissed…not because the date sucked….the guy ate all my fucking pizza…..I freaking love Pizza…..

Date 3: Date with seriously bad breath guy…..I don’t think I need to say more

Date 4: Date with guy who makes notes about girls he met on all dates before me……or at least I think he is making notes about girls before me…maybe notes are about me.

Date 5: Weird tatoo guy: Sits down and has lots of tatoos. Yummmm…I mean as a brown girl I could never take him home…but seriously would love to lick that arm with the tatoos…..anyway…seems normal and then actually asks me if I met anyone I like so far. I say no…he says that is too bad as I am so pretty….his exact words…you are so pretty for an Indian girl……What the fuck was that…Pretty for an Indian girl…..next date pls.

Date 6: Normal Guy. Just normal not anything special…..Oh my fucking god…..what a catch….seriously is that all you have to be these days to be a catch…a normal guy

Date 7: Don’t remember. Wasted drunk by this point. 

So my baby cousin and I meet no one….but we went to a bar afterwards with some girls we met at the speed date and all of us drank too much vodka while comparing date stories. Turns out speed dating is a great way to make more female friends.  All girls really dug boring normal guy.

Moral of the Story: Fuck speed dating.